How far I have come…

 Yesterday I voiced my disappointment on the superbowl half time show and as I was reading the comments on facebook someone from my past said something that triggered me, something along the lines of who are you to talk. It sent me on a spiral but then I stopped and really thought about it.

Yes, I used to be different, I used to be consumed by the misguided culture, I fell into the trap of finding my identity and my idea of happiness outside of me, drinking even though it made me sick in order to feel like I fit in, allowing abusive friendships and relationships and accept crumbs because I was looking for some kind of love and acceptance.

It wasn’t until I realized the peace and happiness I was looking for was no where to be found that I stopped and and took a good look at my life, my actions, my beliefs… me.

I realized I am worth more than that, I am worthy of real wholesome friendships that build not mock, destroy, and bully. I am worthy a man that loves and accepts me for who I really am. I am worthy of respect because I am a smart, strong, caring, kind, loving and capable woman. I deserved better and I am worth more than what I was allowing in my life.

I realized I was already loved beyond measure. Someone was willing to take abuse and die for me on a cross because they love me, knows me with my flaws and shortcommings and accepts me fully, I didn’t have to act a certain way or prove my self to feel worthy of their love, forgave me and keeps forgiving me for all the ways I mistreated and took that love for granted, stood and still stands by my side patiently waiting for me and taking care of me even in my lowest. With a love like that why would I keep hurting myself with bad relationships, friendships, partying and alcohol? Why would I keep accepting crumbs? I am already loved beyond measure and understanding!

I was at war with parts of my past but it wasn’t until I worked with a great coach and people to guide me, that I found my true identity as a child of God, and I forgave. I understood I was doing then the best I could and people were doing the best they could with their own shadows to face, past to heal, and path to grow.

That comment showed me how far I have come, how much I have grown, how all my hard work has paid off, how the people from my past don’t recognize me anymore. I am proud of the woman I have become and how I can inspire other’s to realize that it doesn’t matter who you were 10 years ago, 10 minutes ago, 10 seconds ago, what you have done or not done, how you were raised… you have a choice, you get to choose whether to keep being that person, to keep doing the same things, to keep appearances and try to fit in with the Jones’s, keep looking for outside validation and acceptance, going down what in my case could have been a destructive path or do a YOU turn.

I chose me, I chose to accept me for who I am, I chose to accept the love and the truth that has always been available to me but I was too blind to see, I chose to learn and grow and center myself in Christ, I chose to surrender to a power grater than me and let it guide me, I chose to not accept abuse and crumbs, I chose to be brave and do the work to grow.

I am not going to lie, It’s hard work!

It is painful, it’s a lot of healing, it’s forgiving people and forgive myself. It calls for letting go of resentments and seeing with eyes of compassion.

It is being brave enough to turn on the light and face my shadow (that disowned part of ourselves that silently haunts us, trigger us, or we try to bury with shopping, food, alcohol, etc.)

It’s allowing myself to feel and be good enough the way I am instead of trying to prove enoughness with actions in order to feel accepted, but instead accepting myself and know I am loved no matter what.

It is coming to my knees in surrender and allowing the guidance and help I need in order to come to a place where life feels like a playground not a war zone, one that no matter the trials we are facing we can feel true deep down in your soul peace, joy, and contentment because I know I am fully loved and accepted, I am worthy, I am enough, I don’t need to look for those things out outside of myself or expect others to give it to me.

It is hard, it is a process and a journey, one I am still walking … but that comment showed me how far I have come and it feels amazing!

Luz

*this is no way a reflection of my parents, they are wonderful loving people*

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