Mindful Relationships- Family Dynamics and Expectations
I still can’t believe Thanksgiving is around the corner, which
means we are in the Holiday season! This is the time we normally get together
to spend with our family where laughter, joy, and chaos surround us. Let’s be
honest, we have all been there, in a family gathering with that one- or more
than one- relative that drive us crazy, or that one person who seems to love
conflict and thrive in drama, or maybe we are the ones who drive others
bunkers. Sometimes our first instinct is to blame others but very few times we
stop and think that some of our attitudes and behaviors might be adding to the
situation. I write this article for all you guys out there (and for me) with
the best intentions to help avoid tension and enjoy the time with our families.
First we need to understand we are all different, we were
made with different temperaments and personalities, that’s what keeps life
interesting right? But because of that some temperaments just don’t match up, I
recommend reading up on temperaments so you have a basic understanding of the
people around you to avoid friction, be able to diffuse it if it comes up, or even
better prevent it!
Here are some key points to keep present during times of
family gatherings, and honestly every day
·
Be careful
with the words we use when we express ourselves- having a clear message and
picking the right words to use are important, this way we avoid misunderstandings,
I recommend you keep silent and think what you would like to say in your head
first to avoid blurting out things without thinking. It’s also important to ask
and clarify when talking to others and you are not getting what they are trying
to say, I bring up this point because there has been countless times that it
makes sense in my head but because English is not my native language this come
across the wrong way and I am glad my friends and family ask versus taking
things to mean something they are not meant to mean, or we are both saying the
same thing and we go in circles proving our point until we realize it’s the same
thought, so please be patient with people who speak a different language.
·
Be aware
of your tone of voice- sometimes our voice can add emotions like stress and
tension to our words, I particularly know how hard this is (especially when
stressed during the holiday meal preparations), but try to breathe and say
things in a soft and gentle voice (practice this every day with normal stuff
until it becomes second nature). It’s important to keep in mind that most of
the time other people have nothing to do with the way we feel at that
particular moment and it’s not their fault whatever might be going on in our
lives that has us on edge.
·
Keep an
eye on body language- relax your
body and specially your face, sometimes it says way more than we think, let go
of the scrunched eyebrows, and even if we are in the middle of a tense
conversation try to soften your expression and smile (smiles make the ambiance
more relaxed and put people at ease) I have
to work on this, specially my killer look (yes I have a look in my eyes
when I am mad that most people shiver, doesn’t come out often but when it does “uy
uy uy!” like my 2 year old says) or you can totally read my thoughts in my
eyes, it’s very hard for me to hide what I am thinking.
·
Watch
your attitude- try to approach others with a smile and cheerful attitude
instead of waiting for others to approach you, if you approach them first and
use a positive comment you set the tone positive. Try not complaining and
instead making little sacrifices for others by offering to help or just taking
on a chore anticipating that persons need.
·
Be patient-
other people’s faults and defects seem to jump out at us but remember you have
faults too and other people put up with them because they love you, this will
help you from falling into the temptation of snapping or criticizing others.
·
Avoid
judging others- there are some things you don’t know about that person or
what is going on in their lives that make them act the way they do. A lot of
the times thay persons mean comment has nothing to do with you and more to do
with how they are feeling, a fear, insecurity or something they are going
through and you are the safest outlet, so just be kind and loving (you can even
offer a prayer for that person instead of snapping at them)
·
Interpret
actions in the best light- they might not mean what they said in a rash
moment, they might not mean the tone to be hurtful, just give them the benefit
of the doubt, this way what they said or how they said it won’t rob you of your
joy.
And most importantly be
mindful of your moment together, it will pass, the clock never stops
ticking and it will all be a memory, a memory you will one day look back on and
cherish, so take a deep breath, remind yourself to be kind and loving, and at
the end of the day be determined to forgive and forget any bitter experiences
and comments that stand out.
Happy Holidays!
*Due to the tension after of the Elections I recommend to abstain from any political conversations during your Holidays and family gatherings, it will definitely be a source of tension
